proper pete and the police

Proper Pete was driving home late one night when flashing lights commanded him to pull over.
Proper Pete checked his speedometer. As always, he was a little bit under the speed limit. He knew all his lights were working properly, so why was he being stopped?
Pete drove off the road, parked and pulled out his driver’s license. The flashing lights lit up both cars as the officer got out, hitched up his pants and walked up to Pete’s car.
“What is the problem, officer?” Pete asked as he handed over the license.
“Well, sir, you were swerving back and forth, in and out of your lane. Step out of the car.”
“What!” Pete could not believe his ears. “You are stopping me? Proper Pete for drunk driving?”
“Yes, sir. Now step out of the car.”
Pete opened the door. “I d not indulge in booze, sir. Alcohol has never touch my lips.”
“Uh-huh,” the officer said and turned on a flashlight. “Just follow the light with your eyes, sir.”
Pete pressed his lips tightly together and watched the movement of the flashlight in front of his face. The officer checked a box on his note pad.
The officer looked at him. “Guess you better walk heel-to-toe 10 steps, buddy.”
“I’ll try,” Pete replied, “but I failed to traverse the length of a two-by-four last week when I was playing with my children.”
“Uh-huh. Sure. Just walk that way, sr.”
Pete sighed. He placed his right heel against his left toes, took a deep breath and walked a half dozen steps before he wobbled out of line.
The officer scowled and made another check mark on the page.
“Now sir, hold one foot out in front of you and stand still.”
“But, officer,” Proper Pete protested, “I have never been able to do that. It’s an inherited characteristic that the men in my family have. When I’m very tired, I get a slight shake and cannot hold still.”
“Just stand on your left foot,” the officer insisted.
Pete pointed his right foot out, wavered and fell against the car.
“All right, sir,” the officer snapped his book shut. “Do you want a breathalyzer test before I book you?”
Pete rubbed his knee where it had hit the bumper. “Willingly, sir. I have not had anything harder than candy. I was trying to reach another piece in the sack behind my seat when I swerved over the line. That’s all.”
The officer muttered something that sounded like, “Sure, sure, that’s what they all say.” and went back to his car for the breathalyzer.
Proper Pete huffed indignantly into the machine. The officer read the score and shook his head in disbelief.
“You failed all three tests. But this says you have no alcohol in your system.”
Proper Pete straightened his jacket and looked the officer in the eyes. “Of course not, sir. I told you I never drink. May I go now?”
The officer looked at the breathalyzer score again. “Yes, just stay between the lines after this, sir.”
Proper Pete slid into his car. He reached behind his seat for the candy and laid it beside him before driving off. He would not be stopped again for that reason.