settling the family estate

“Every parent thinks their estate will be distributed as they would have wanted after they are gone,” the attorney said at a seminar I attended recently, “but things don’t always turn out that way.”
Her words brought back keen memories of the days following my grandmother’s funeral 18 years ago. As my parents and aunt headed off to the reading of the will, my sister and I teased them about arguing. My aunt scolded us gently, “there won’t be any of that. Mother would not have wanted it.”
She was right about her mother, wrong about what was about to happen. Grandma had written a simple will: “share and share alike.” There wasn’t a lot to share: a small house and a lot: china, a few antiques and a family ring.”
Initially things went rather well. Grandma had jotted down a few items with specific family names beside them. It was not an exhaustive list. For the rest we emptied cupboards and drawers asking “does anyone want this?” When more than one person wanted the item, drawing straws worked once: but shouldn’t the winner have been excluded from the next draw?
Driving up the money was easy, but there was no way the family could keep that one piece of jewelry or the lot with house and still share equally in the distribution.
Rumors were rampant that the family who shared the bit of land where grandma had lived for 30 years would have to move so the property could be sold to insure everyone received their fair share.
I cleaned cupboards, listened to the rumors and watched our close knit family disintegrate over the little left to her estate. She had given them the bulk of their inheritance shortly after my grandfather died.
By the end of the week, no one was satisfied, everyone’s feelings were hurt and I was exhausted. I went home and crashed. I became passionate about the importance of writing out a detailed will. I offended a few relatives who had resisted even writing a simple will. i gave up on them and made sure my husband and I wrote our will.
Without realizing it as I cared for the family, went to work and their graduations, 18 years passed. At the seminar I suddenly realized our circumstance as well as the estate laws had changed, but our will had not.
The attorney discussed the advantages of establishing a living trust compared to a will to protect the family assets, privacy and parental wishes. When she said there is a legal clause which can be inserted saying that anyone contesting the parent’s wishes would get nothing. I flashbacked to those days after Grandma died. I wondered how much that clause and a detailed, thoughtful distribution of her estate could have spared us.
I went home and began talking with my husband. We are gathering our important paper work, listing our assets and family heirlooms and discussing who we want to entrust to carry out our wishes. I still don’t know who gets grandma’s quilt. I may not be able to keep the kids from fighting after I am gone, but I will do what I can to make sure they really know and do what Mother would have wanted.