Mark’s accident left me acutely aware that I had failed as a mother.
Weighed down with guilt, I mechanically did what I had to do during the day, and woke up in the middle of the night just thinking.
I was pregnant at the time. For the first time I tested positive for toxemia.
I felt guilty for failing the unborn child. Joseph woke up, asked what’s wrong and said “let’s pray.” As I prayed I realized I had been refusing to accept God’s forgiveness. I thought my sin was too awful to even ask God to forgive it.
God reminded me that He had already forgiven me for all my sins.
A few days later Joseph wanted to know what had changed … things around the house looked different in a good way. Being released from the burden of the sin had renewed my energy.
Plus, I did not have a subsequent positive test for toxemia.
God forgave me once and separated me as far from my sins as the East is from the West and now I need to do things God’s way – which also meant forgiving other people.
Or as Peter said, “How many times should I forgive my brother, Lord? … seven times?”
And Jesus said, “not seven times but seventy times seven.”
Forgive as He have forgives … for eternity.
Somedays that feels impossible. I have been hurt, A Lot!
I trudge back and ask God to renew a right spirit within me. I want to obey, to believe, to forgive, but somedays I remember again what happened.
Sometimes I mechanically tell God, “You said to pray for people who despitefully use me. You said love them and do good to them so I am praying for them. I am asking You to help me see them as You do and to maintain an attitude of forgiveness. I want to do things Your way, please enable me to reflect You in my attitude, life and actions. I pray that You will bless them and that they will prosper and reflect You.”
It takes a long time to work through the bitterness and rage. I still am praying for God to help me to see those who offend me as God sees them through His eyes of love.
Sometimes, though, I am acutely aware of the tendency to become bitter.
Bitterness is like a ringing a big bell on a rope. Once the rope is let go, the bell continues to ring. Even after I chose to forgive someone – to let go of the rope – the pendulum banging on the bell of unforgiveness continues a few times. If I don’t grab the rope again, eventually it will stop.
When I want to grab the rope again, God reminds me that He let go of that rope 2000 years ago. Even on the cross Jesus cried out, “Father forgive them, they do not know what they do.”
I wish it all was instantaneous and perfect. It isn’t.
God has to remind me to let go of the rope.
Living God’s way is difficult. That is why I continue to pray that my family and friends and I would honor and glorify Him each day and fulfill His purpose.