Aprons may be out of fashion these days, but parents still find it difficult to cut their symbolic strings attached to their children.
This year’s “Uncut Apron Strings” award goes to Marilyn DeVine, 75, A Korean War Veteran, former teacher and Veteran’s Administration hospital nurse for more than 30 years.
Last week in Pennsylvania, Devine told Common Pleas Judge Donald E. Machen she robbed the Century Square Shop ‘n Save branch in West Mifflin, Penn. on March 6, 2006 because her youngest son – who has bipolar disorder – had said his debts overwhelmed him so much that he wanted to commit suicide.
Devine, a 76 year-old grandmother, was already behind in repaying in loan in $30,000 she had previously taken out to ease her son’s financial burden. To get her 40 year-old son out of debt, she went to the bank, held a gun unwaveringly in the tellers’ face and demanded chase.
The clerks handed over their cash and hit the silent alarm. Devine was arrested after a short chase. The court sentenced her to two years of house arrest and 20 years of probation.
I’ve seen families in similar situations. Instead of coaching their adult children through the steps to financial freedom, they step in and pay all their offspring’s bills – only to see more bills quickly replace them. As the mother of adults struggling through their early years to make a go of it financially – including some with mental health issues. I know the urge to make all the bad bills go away. It’s difficult to bite the bullet and simply stand by and coach and cheer while my children work through their life problems. I really would love to win the lottery, wave the magic wand of an overflowing checkbook over their bills and present them with a clean slate. I can’t and somehow, like a child learning to walk, they learn faster without my help.
Devine joins many other parents who refuse to consider stepping back from their child’s problems.
Take going to college.
At 18, I took bus, alone, across the country and enrolled in a small private school with only the help of my assigned advising professor. In those pre-computer days of enrollment, the lines were long, scheduling tricky and the triplicate forms tedious to fill out. But, I made my way through the maze and emerged grinning with pride at having done it by myself.
That was then. This is now.
At 18, we drove our daughter to college and helped her haul stuff up to her room before we went home. A few days later she called and mentioned that her roommate’s parents had stayed and enjoyed all the school’s orientation activities for parents. Colleges plan on having parents go to college orientation?
Since when?
Since parents began refusing to let go. As a non-traditional student returning to college in the late 1980’s, I went to my University Physics professor for extra tutoring on a test question I continued to miss. He mentioned that he had copies of his old tests which I could study. He said he saved them to give to parents concerned about their child’s grade and progress in his class.
What?! Mommy and Daddy go to college to have parent-teacher conferences with Mr. Professor about how Little Johnny can improve his grades? Isn’t Johnny a little long in the tooth for those apron strings?
I know the effort it takes to be involved without taking over. At the end of my child’s freshman year, I anxiously sat by the phone to cheer on the progress of a late night/early morning creation of a last minute paper – which I had heard put-off for days. I could have helped with the research or the writing. I didn’t I cut the apron string of homework helper many years ago.
I watched a mother of half a dozen children brush her children’s teeth – including her 10 and 11 year-olds’ teeth – and wondered when she would consider them old enough to wield the brush without her supervision.
It is difficult to just sit back and watch our children struggle and sometimes fail before (hopefully) they learn, but it is necessary. In the long run, completing the assignment without mom’s help places one more stone in the student’s foundation of independence. Allowing children to brush their own teeth demonstrates confidence that they can learn to take care of their own bodies. Coaching them through debt repayment provides an understanding of wise financial stewardship.
Intervening only insures that our children will take longer to learn to stand on their own.
Devine kept the apron strings attached at least 20 years too long. After the robbery, she was diagnosed as clinically depressed. The judge recognized that could have skewed her perception, but said she should have sought help for her son rather than wreaking havoc on others. Instead, she refused to be a coach or cheerleader and once again tried to wave the magical mommy wand of emotional and financial relief – hurting and embarrassing herself and her family for many years to come.