School never did rank high on Matthew’s list of activities. Fourth grade intensified his dislike. He plunged into a morning ritual of protests and procrastination.
On the best days his mother, Julie insisted through the morning with an increasingly louder volume, “You have to go to school. Go get your shoes, Brush your teeth! Please put your pants on, we are running late!”
Other days, “I could not get him ready. He would be very defiant. He sometimes would pretend to be sick. He did not sleep at night and had quite a bit of anxiety. Of course, he would sleep just fine on the weekends,” she said. Then every afternoon, he returned from school ready to punch anything and everything.
Midway through fourth grade Matthew said, “So and So was mean.” He also began talking about how his teacher would call him out in front of the class and laugh at him with the class.
“I was called to school because he had a complete meltdown and wouldn’t leave his seat when the class left for recess. One girl kept saying ‘he is a girl’ because he has long eye lashes. She called him names – some were swear words,” Julie said she learned. Other times that same girl punched and kicked him. A boy took something from Matthew, teased him and refused to return it.
“I emailed the principal and teacher,” Julie said.
They held a meeting.
Julie was told, “She is from such a good family. We do not believe she is capable of this.” Neither the teacher nor the principal believed Matthew, until the girl admitted her behavior and apologized to Matthew. In time Julie learned that the girl thought her behavior was normal because that was how her older brothers treated her.
“We went to counseling to help him deal with his anger, feelings and reaction. We surrounded him with positive encouragement at home vs. discipline. We realized he was hurting, not being defiant.”
Then came fifth grade and an understanding teacher.
Midway through the year Julie wrote on Facebook, “I met with the assistant principal and my son’s teacher. Since pre-K, I have yet to be thrilled with a teacher and wondered why they chose the toughest job as they clearly had little tolerance. Each year, I have spent time in the classroom to observe and learn.”
In fifth grade she wrote, “I have noticed a huge difference not only in his behavior, but in the responsiveness and attentiveness of his teacher. She clearly knows how to run a classroom and bring the best out in her students. She is stoic and quite a realist. Today during our meeting she said, ‘I have seen so many students. He is so incredibly bright. Given the right guidance, he will set the world on fire.’”
“This is the difference in a great teacher, one who believes in her students. I am so thankful for a great school and great teacher.”
“She quietly addressed any behavior in the classroom. She boosted his confidence with his classmates. All the students loved her. I volunteered a few times in the classroom and had lunch with him. He loved that! He also made a few good friends. As a team they helped him with conflict resolution and he had a handful of kids who wanted to hang out with him.”
This fall, middle school and sixth grade loomed ahead for Matthew. It promised to be a big transition from one teacher in one room to many teachers in many classrooms. The school held several, half-day Middle School Camps where he made more friends, grew in confidence and studied the lay of the land.
Another, non-school, three week camp ended with an awards ceremony in which Matthew received the ‘Future Counselor Award.’
Then, Julie’s work situation changed. She began working at home. “He loves that I am home when he gets off the bus. He loves talking with me. He communicates openly now. We have not had one angry episode in quite some time.”
Before school started the family discussed the upcoming school year and made an agreement that if Matthew has perfect attendance (no tardies or absences other than if he is legitimately sick), he will receive an XBox for Christmas.
The bargain may not have been needed if things continue as Julie reported recently on Facebook.
The fourth day of school, she woke up and said, “Honey, do you want me to make you some breakfast?”
“I already made myself a bowl of cereal.” Matthew replied.
“Okay, awesome! Well, go brush your teeth!”
“I already did.”
“Super! Well, get dressed. … oh, you are already dressed, your bag is packed, your shoes are on and you have already packed a snack and your water bottle,” She trailed off in astonishment as her son interrupted her, “Mom, it is 7 o’clock! I need to get to the bus!” He raced to the door.
His mom could only stand in the door with her mouth open in astonishment.
On Facebook she wrote, “I love this new morning routine. I love how happy he is to go to school. I love how proud he is of himself!”
Whatever the reason for the change, Julie embraces it all with joy.
Joan Hershberger can be reached at joanh@everybody.org