“My parents will help me. They don’t have any other way to spend their money,” said our exchange student, a high school senior. I rolled my eyes. I knew that gravy train would end eventually.
Unfortunately, for some, the train runs three, four, even five decades longer than it should. For some reason the last several months I have encountered several stories of adult children who have yet to cut the apron strings 10, 20 even 30 years past high school graduation. Time and again I heard of one or both parents who continued to provide an economic cushion that crippled more than it helped. Hearing of folks who still cling to their parents’ pocketbooks, I wonder, “what happens when mommy and daddy can no longer provide? What then?”
In at least three cases, the parents had passed their 70th birthday with adult children who were depending on them when death or disease struck.
In one case, four months into a serious illness, the adult children still lounge around, expecting their ill provider to recover and continue to pay their way. Until that happens most of the dependents have done little for themselves or the parent. Over time, sympathetic friends have backed away while suggesting various avenues to pursue.
Contrast that with the young man whose parents paid his car insurance long after he had achieved full time employment. He had no problem with their paying, but his newly wed wife did. She told her inlaws, “that’s our responsibility” and she cut the final apron string.
In another situation Papa died without making provisions for septuagenarian Mama or his healthy, middle-aged dependent adult children. It took about three months for other family members to rescue Mama and move her hundreds of miles away to be closer to her siblings. She left nearly everything behind including her car and its monthly payments. Within weeks, the car dealership reclaimed the car and the landlord reclaimed his property. Four states away from their incessant demands for cash, Mama settled into a one bedroom efficiency apartment and enjoyed being the only one supported by her Social Security check. With her absence, her adult children may finally grow-up.
Too bad she did not emulate parents who insist their teenagers work 10 hours a week to buy their own clothes, gas and fun times. Those lucky kids learn early that “if I want it, it’s my job to earn the money for it.” They enjoy the satisfaction of easing into independence.
Or, consider the ongoing situation where the Mom opened her home to her adult children. They presumed to tell her how, where and when she can spend her own money, not drive her own car, and what she needs to cook or do to entertain their friends. They require much of her. She requires little of them and rationalizes every inconvenience they impose on her.
Straddling the tension between letting go and still pulling the strings, one set of parents extensively provided the salary their offspring needed to work at a non-profit. The parents did so with one requirement: the child and their family must return home every year for the holidays. When friends requested too many visits one holiday, the purse controlling fist closed tightly. A message went out saying. “our parents pay for us to fly here, we must spend time with them.” Even after both parents passed, their inheritance keeps the deal intact. To dictate and choose their own timing for activities, the offspring would have to develop their own funds for their jobs with the non-profit.
Becoming an independent adult can happen. It did for our former exchange student. She landed a job after college and graduate school. Her parents found other ways to spend their money. She married and now has three children of her own. Those children have years to go before they too realize mom and dad will not always pay for everything.
Jan. 21. 2024