Pushing the grocery cart alongside my granddaughter, I saw a friend approaching with a knowing smile, “you just want to buy everything the grandchildren want, don’t you?”
“No, not really. We have too many grandkids to do that,” I said, startling the grandmother of just one. With our 18 grandchildren and 18 great-grands, let alone the spouses of those already married, giving equally becomes expensive, very quickly. Still to the individuals in the family it feels exactly as one grandchild pouted, “Grandma won’t give me anything!”
It began at graduation time. We had to decide when and how to let go monetarily. In part our decisions came from observing the choices others made.
One acquaintance said, “We paid for his truck insurance through college and his first jobs. We were still paying for it when he got married. Then she came to us and said, ‘that’s our job to pay for the insurance, not yours.’” The parents sounded surprised.
The best intentions deeply damaged one family when funding given with love and empathy had to abruptly end. The giver set deadlines for the drastic changes that would follow.
The shocked recipients did not say “thank you for all those years.”
They spat out, “You are greedy.”
“No, we just can’t keep doing this.”
Still the recipients screamed like a child deprived of its pacifier. They want it back. They don’t want to grow up and carefully budget to live within their income.
The milestone of graduation marks a time for parents and grandparents to review the situation and decide the next financial pacifier to pull.
When a friend’s adult child failed to launch by the early 20s, the parents began setting deadlines, “By this time you will be paying for the car. By that time you will have your own place.” The deadlines underscored their determination.
I reviewed my retirement finances recently with a consultant who asked about obligations or financial help for the family. I said, “We don’t do it. They all have jobs or sources of income. We managed to live on our income at that age, they can, too.”
“Good for you. I hear from so many who have not done that and it is costly for them.”
It is hard as a parent to watch when an adult child reaps the consequences of really bad, self destructive decisions. Friends drained their retirement funds for years. Ultimately, they cut off the financial help amidst protests with the pulling of the pacifier.
One of our exchange students reflected that immaturity when they said, “Well my parents don’t have anything else to do with their money. They will pay for everything for me.” The child had no realization that the financial apron strings would be cut. They were.
It is difficult as a parent and grandparent to say no. As the child walks across the stage graduation night they should be taking their first steps away from financial dependency. We all have to decide when it’s time to cut the cash flow for car insurance, car payments, education, clothes and fun.
The grandchild in the grocery store, now shops for her own groceries. She hints for help for an apartment, for furniture and even things I consider luxuries. I am comfortable allowing her to earn her own money, pay her bills and spend the rest anyway she wants. Just as I am free to do the same with my money.
Graduation marks the time for change. It is hard, but if we plan the steps toward financial independence from the get-go and apply them equally, it reduces resentment and dependency.
Love them, listen to them and care for them as always, but as they leave school and begin work, begin pulling that financial support so they can grow up. It isn’t easy but it lays the foundation for an adult relationship to begin..